Saturday, May 5, 2018
I've grown stronger in my spirit over the past 3 years than I could have ever imagined, and I've grown more secure in my identity in Christ than ever. However, the weaknesses of my flesh have never been more glaring, my emotional "dumps" on God have never been more honest, frustrating, and raw. What a paradox...as my Spirit strengthens, my flesh grows weaker. The toughest thing is trying to live "up there", while living "down here". And yet THAT is how we can live because of Christ in us. Our spiritual reality has authority over our natural existence. But what a tough transition it is to begin living that kind of life though. It's the process of giving birth to the new. Can anybody relate, or am I losing my freaking mind?
If I could ask God one question (two parts) face to face right now, it would be, Just how long do you consider long enough for one to stay in the same, tortuous, fatigue-filled season of struggle and obscurity? And, what is the purpose continually torturing me by what appear to be glimpses of breakthroughs into a new season, only to realize that those glimpses seem to only be cruel mirages for me to painfully observe, while continuing to languish in the same cycle of mind numbing sameness and oppression? By the way, you're not God, so save your religious answers, and empty platitudes of piety for someone else. These are real questions that arise in the very real struggle of living in faith, growing in intimacy with God, and settling into my identity in Christ. By the way, there ARE answers to these questions, but you have to be willing to hear the answers from Him alone.
For me, the fatigue has been a cumulative process. Mentally mostly. The waiting and preparing for so long has just kind of reached a tipping point. I'm discovering the priceless treasure of meditation, and praying in the spirit more than I EVER have. I have finally reached a place where I am more dependent on God for every stinking thing in my life. I have literally reached a point where I have no trust in my ability as a human to make any decisions. I have to lean on the wisdom and understanding of God for every single thing. That is completely counterintuitive to the nature of a man. We are protectors, providers, and defenders. That's been a humbling reality and process. I've been in a position where I have not felt like a provider, defender, or protector. When all the while, God was simply leading me to the place of my ultimate strength – depending on him for all of that. My understanding of my identity has been completely revolutionized! So many Christians don't have a clue as to what it means to actually have our identity in Christ! My ideas of what I thought human reasoning and common sense were have been blown to bits! It's just like what Paul said, when he said "the life I now live in the flesh, I live by the very faith of the son of God!" Everything about my life, including what I consider my strong points, have to be lived from the very life of Christ in me. Paul also said that, "In my flesh there dwells no good thing." Wow, I have discovered that first hand!
Do you ever ask yourself, can I possibly be as screwed up as I feel? Why else does the process of becoming seem to take so long? The unraveling of self is messy. But healing is messy too. Just ask any surgeon. It's in the maddening messy where we are tempted to say, just sew me back up, and keep me medicated. I'll just "manage" my misery. But healing, and wholeness will never be achieved that way. Sadly, in the natural, pain management has become big business. Killing one slowly while "managing" symptoms, without really dealing with root causes. It's the same way in our lives. Religion has devised systems of "pain management". They call it "shame management", or even sin management. I've been an open book most of my life, or so I thought. God has revealed to me that I've been selective with the pages that I freely open. It's a defense mechanism, where I try to preserve an image toward others, overcompensating for my issues by putting an outgoing, compliant, even humorous, somewhat self-deprecating persona out there as an attempt to be approved, accepted, liked, and valued. Those parts are an open book, but I've been very self-preserving and manipulative about which parts of me I let others see. Well, God has unlocked every cave, every secret passageway, and every self-protecting mechanism I had. He has laid me bare, and it feels like all hell has broken loose at the same time in my emotions, my mind, and my circumstances. It has left me feeling spent, numb, and facing the reality that I am desperate for Him in every area of my life. Now, even those things I thought were my strengths, I have no confidence in them any more. I have been made painfully aware of the reality that there is such a futility in humanity. And yet, God loved humanity so much, valued us so highly, that He gave His all—His own Son for our redemption. And, He chose to deposit His Spirit in flawed humanity, so we could have new identity—sons and daughters of a King. He chose us as His heirs, and as joint heirs with His only Son, Jesus. And now, in vessels of clay, He has deposited treasure--His heart, and the privilege to live His Kingdom and His will here and now. What a privilege. What a love. What a Life. What a God!
at May 05, 2018